We began considering foster care In Fall 2011, shortly after I was diagnosed with PCOS a hormonal imbalance that can potentially cause infertility.
We knew that it would take us time to get pregnant on our own, if at all, and we felt like foster care and adoption were part of the overall Plan for our family anyway; why not move forward and begin to make a difference in kids' lives, regardless of whether we had our own kid or not.
Thats the objective context; the actual context is that I still desperately wanted a baby of my "own" & despite my PCOS, had been carefully tracking my cycles, etc. Until July, when Miss M & Baby A got placed with us (& our world...imploded).
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What began as "back cramps" after a Labor Day cookout ended in the ER at 4am.
What began as a shivering, wrenching, bloody ordeal in the privacy of my home ended with 15 minutes in triage, 5 hours waiting in an exam room for the only ER doctor, still bleeding.
What began as a missed period, or two, (damn wonky PCOS) ended as a pregnancy so new I couldn't tell them how far along I was.
The doctor said, "Congrats- you are/were pregnant- now let's see if it's still viable."
3 ultrasounds and the longest hour of my life, to find out my first pregnancy was indeed a miscarriage.
What began as weeks of laughing off Miss M's questions about whether I had a baby in my belly, and a sense of "I should really take a pregnancy test" ended 10 hours after being discharged with Greg admitting he thought I was pregnant too- but kept talking himself out of it.
What began with apologetic phone calls to parents for advice ended with family and friends descending on our house in support- to stay with the sleeping foster kiddos, to take the kids for the day, to bring dinner, to bring flowers, to bring muffins & hugs.
What began as disbelief ended in hope: "there may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning".
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Am still at home recovering; have an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow to follow up.
Miss M & Baby A were my only motivations to get out of bed today.
I know miscarriages are common & often unexplained, but any words of encouragement are much appreciated.
<3<3<3 I am so sorry, Vicki. You are loved. May you receive healing.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Let us know if we can do anything for you and Greg.
ReplyDeleteOh, Vicki, I am so sorry to hear you went through this. I pray for healing for both you and Greg. We love you so much! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
ReplyDeleteMiscarriages being common don't make them any easier, and doesn't make you weak for wanting support of encouragement. I'm so sorry you had to go through this - don't hesitate to ask for help or emotional support. We're praying for you both - I know we're far away, but if there's anything we can do, don't hesitate to ask.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, I just teared up at work reading this. How heartbreaking. I'm so sad for you. And thanks for the comment on my blog - I'm in the process of catching up on your archives too, and it looks like we have a lot in common. I know how much I hurt with my miscarriage, and one of the best things someone said was that she was sending me "lasers of positivity," so now I'll say the same to you. I hope you're healing well, in all senses of the word.
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