... a sweet sorrow, it's true. It's also bittersweet. And freeing. And heartbreaking. All at the same time.
Big Bro and Little Bro went home to their Momma's house today. For good.
~~~~~
I've tried to write this post twice now, in anticipation of their departure-- slated as 5/29 from the day we picked them up from the shelter. But as their departure was delayed, and delayed again- things got tense. I was stressed to the max- trying to keep all their clothes clean so we could pack at any moment, use up all the 'kid' food and then scramble for something else to feed them when the days came and went. Try to act like things are normal, do our normal routine, while waiting for the phone to ring from the case worker. That post was entitled "Tightrope".
Previous to that I chronicled the steps leading to the waiting game: worker visits in our home, discussions about 'bridging' with Mom, trips to visit the kids' lawyers, having to reschedule the therapist because I honestly don't know who's house they are going to be at on X date. That post was entitled, rather clinically, "Reunification."
~~~~~
But when it came down to it. Today. I was trepidtious. Not knowing how I would feel. Glad to get my house back? Sad to see them go? Weirdly thrilled to be rid of the fighting, the tantrums, the drama?
Yes. But as I packed their clothes, their toys, their gifted CD player, their basketball and tiny toothbrushes, I was overwhelmingly sad.
And as they clamored to know "Is it time to go yet?!", sadder.
And as Little Bro said, enthusiastically, honestly, "I been wantin' to get out of here for awhile!", gut-punched.
~~~~~~~
I do my best, but there's no denying that these boys want their Mom, they miss her and as much fun as we have here- bikes! pool! cookouts!- we are not 'home'.
I recently saw a blurb (probably on Pinterest) that said "Home is wherever Momma is" and at the time, I thought, "Well, not always."
But I think it's true, even for--especially for-- kids in OKDHS custody. We were fortunate that The Boys' Momma is good people. She's young and she made a mistake that got her kids taken away from her. But, unlike some people in the system, she desperately wants them back. And has done everything the courts have asked her to do in order to make that a reality.
Fortunately, she is open to "Bridging" which is a fancy DHS term that basically means staying in touch. We plan to see them soon- have to take their bikes to them tonite- and hope to stay involved in their lives in the coming weeks and months.
~~~~~~~
As we stuff Mom's small car full of the books, clothes, games, toys, balls, shoes, etc. that they aquired in the 9 weeks they've been with us, I have to conciously step back to let Her repremand the boys as they squabble over who gets to sit in the front seat. I'm not in charge any more.
As they back out of our driveway, I can see Big Bro waving from the backseat. Little Bro rolls down the window and shouts, adorably, "See you later, alligator!" I will miss their silly antics.
As they drive out of sight, I step into a suddenly quiet house and walk unempeaded to my office to sit down and write this post, which is entitled "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Because it is both sweet- they are going home with Momma, to a new house, a new beginning- and sorrowful-- they aren't here with me anymore. But mostly, I am grateful for a successful first placement and look forward to the next.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Summer Reading Program
We trundled down to our neighborhood library yesterday and got signed up for the summer reading program.
The boys were not impressed. Until they learned there were PRIZES.
Then they were all about it.
The first prize level is 8 books read, & Big Bro of course picked out 8 book. So he could "win". Hehe.
I'm so glad they are into it, I always loved the summer reading program.
Did you?
The boys were not impressed. Until they learned there were PRIZES.
Then they were all about it.
The first prize level is 8 books read, & Big Bro of course picked out 8 book. So he could "win". Hehe.
I'm so glad they are into it, I always loved the summer reading program.
Did you?
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
A Parenting Breakthrough
Memorial Day- a day for remembrance, family time, & excessive fun times.
We spent a couple of hours at the pool, along with half the neighborhood, which was lots of fun.
Then we headed to a cookout! The boys all watched some vintage Silver Surfer while I cut up a watermelon. Little Bro even fell asleep while They were waiting on me. Which, honestly, should have been a clue.
The party was great- lots of good food, kids to play with and Blue Moon beer on tap. The Boys however, took a bit to warm up- a mixture of tired from swimming and overwhelmed by new people.
But they soon got acclimated and were eating hotdogs and shooting water guns with the rest of the kids in no time.
Around 7:30, however, things started to fall apart (and not just for us).
It started with a terrifying scream from one of our friend's little boys.
As I, and every other parent, whipped our heads up to see what was the matter, Little Friend stood screaming and crying, with his finger pointed at Big Bro, as a water cannon fell to the ground from atop the jungle gym.
Big Brother looked slightly smug.
Long story short: he had ripped the toys from Little Friend's hand and thrown it to the ground, then refused to apologize for it (protesting that he had done it because Little Friend's momma had told him it was time to go) and then in the car home, where I was trying to find out if he'd followed through on his apology, back talked me like nobody's business.
Which of course is a major 'button' for me.
Here's where I had the breakthrough.
~~~
We were cruising down Peoria, headed home and as he continued to protest that he didn't need to apologize, I pulled the car over, put on the hazards and slammed on the e-brake.
Then I took a deep breath, turned around and quietly told him he was in big trouble and what for.
Then I acknowledged that I was very angry and that we wold have to wait until we got home to continue this discussion and talk about consequences.
The drive home was rather quiet after that.
~~~
And that's what we did. We sat down and had a good discussion about obedience, treating others they way you want to be treated, etc. And then, since he's old enough to understand 'consequences', asked for his opinion on his consequence. Of course he picked the worst thing he could think of- no bike riding- but since I for SURE don't want to take away physical activity outlets- we amended that to no Wii. And he's going to have to call and follow through on the apology.
But all of this was done with no shouting (well, maybe a bit before I pulled the car over) and a good discussion, with both G and I present.
Seeing as this is the 2nd time he's pulled a 3 peat of behaviors in as few days, I'm not convinced that Big Bro is going to win any awards for obedience any time soon, but we're working on it.
And I certainly am glad that my blood pressure is staying calmer, even as Big Bro continues to push my buttons.
~~~
What do you think about my breakthrough (discipline w/o shouting)? have you ever pulled the car over to address a misbehaving child? What are other techniques for addressing disobedience?
We spent a couple of hours at the pool, along with half the neighborhood, which was lots of fun.
Then we headed to a cookout! The boys all watched some vintage Silver Surfer while I cut up a watermelon. Little Bro even fell asleep while They were waiting on me. Which, honestly, should have been a clue.
The party was great- lots of good food, kids to play with and Blue Moon beer on tap. The Boys however, took a bit to warm up- a mixture of tired from swimming and overwhelmed by new people.
But they soon got acclimated and were eating hotdogs and shooting water guns with the rest of the kids in no time.
Around 7:30, however, things started to fall apart (and not just for us).
It started with a terrifying scream from one of our friend's little boys.
As I, and every other parent, whipped our heads up to see what was the matter, Little Friend stood screaming and crying, with his finger pointed at Big Bro, as a water cannon fell to the ground from atop the jungle gym.
Big Brother looked slightly smug.
Long story short: he had ripped the toys from Little Friend's hand and thrown it to the ground, then refused to apologize for it (protesting that he had done it because Little Friend's momma had told him it was time to go) and then in the car home, where I was trying to find out if he'd followed through on his apology, back talked me like nobody's business.
Which of course is a major 'button' for me.
Here's where I had the breakthrough.
~~~
We were cruising down Peoria, headed home and as he continued to protest that he didn't need to apologize, I pulled the car over, put on the hazards and slammed on the e-brake.
Then I took a deep breath, turned around and quietly told him he was in big trouble and what for.
Then I acknowledged that I was very angry and that we wold have to wait until we got home to continue this discussion and talk about consequences.
The drive home was rather quiet after that.
~~~
And that's what we did. We sat down and had a good discussion about obedience, treating others they way you want to be treated, etc. And then, since he's old enough to understand 'consequences', asked for his opinion on his consequence. Of course he picked the worst thing he could think of- no bike riding- but since I for SURE don't want to take away physical activity outlets- we amended that to no Wii. And he's going to have to call and follow through on the apology.
But all of this was done with no shouting (well, maybe a bit before I pulled the car over) and a good discussion, with both G and I present.
Seeing as this is the 2nd time he's pulled a 3 peat of behaviors in as few days, I'm not convinced that Big Bro is going to win any awards for obedience any time soon, but we're working on it.
And I certainly am glad that my blood pressure is staying calmer, even as Big Bro continues to push my buttons.
~~~
What do you think about my breakthrough (discipline w/o shouting)? have you ever pulled the car over to address a misbehaving child? What are other techniques for addressing disobedience?
Monday, May 28, 2012
Pool time!
Our neighborhood pool opened this weekend!
Our house is a short bike ride away, so we gathered up our towels, snacks, goggles, & bikes and headed down to the pool.
We spent several hours chillin out, maxin' relaxin'....it was nice.
The boys aren't swimmers yet per se, but they are getting more comfortable in the water. I'm teaching them how to kick & blow bubbles with their faces in the water.
Good times...Think we'll do it again today!
Our house is a short bike ride away, so we gathered up our towels, snacks, goggles, & bikes and headed down to the pool.
We spent several hours chillin out, maxin' relaxin'....it was nice.
The boys aren't swimmers yet per se, but they are getting more comfortable in the water. I'm teaching them how to kick & blow bubbles with their faces in the water.
Good times...Think we'll do it again today!
Sunday, May 27, 2012
My favorite part
After a long day of swimming, eating, terrorizing dinner guests & drowning GI Joes in the tub, the Boys listen raptly to their bedtime story.
It doesn't seem to matter what kind of day they've had: good behavior, bad behavior, tantrums, saintliness- both the boys are silent &engaged when it's time for the 3 of us to cuddle up on the bottom bunk and read.
It's my favorite part of the day.
It doesn't seem to matter what kind of day they've had: good behavior, bad behavior, tantrums, saintliness- both the boys are silent &engaged when it's time for the 3 of us to cuddle up on the bottom bunk and read.
It's my favorite part of the day.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
The Nalgene Incident
Silly things happen when you ask children to perform simple tasks.
Take one day when I asked Big Brother to go get my big red Nalgene water bottle from the front porch (where it'd been keeping me company on bike observation duty).
After he disapeared around the courner of the kitchen, I immediately forgot about him. Which was a mistake.
A few minutes later, I heard a 'thunk' and Big Brother appeared, with water dripping down his face, and asked for a towel.
I thought he'd had tried to drink from it and splashed water on his face. Uh, no.
Turns out, he had dropped the Nalgene bottle on the way in, because he'd been CARRYING WITH A PAIR OF UTILITY SCISSORS and splashed the water all over the hall.
And after he came back for a 3rd hand towel, I went to look and 'splash' was an understatement.
The water was everywhere: puddled on the floor, splashed on the door frames, baseboards, AND WALLS to nearly the ceiling.
It was impressive.
A bath towel took care of the majority of the dampness, and I think that Big Bro's chagrin turned to relief when I started laughing at the "splash zone."
I'm just glad we didn't also have to clean up shards of broken water bottle; hooray for Nalgene!
Take one day when I asked Big Brother to go get my big red Nalgene water bottle from the front porch (where it'd been keeping me company on bike observation duty).
After he disapeared around the courner of the kitchen, I immediately forgot about him. Which was a mistake.
A few minutes later, I heard a 'thunk' and Big Brother appeared, with water dripping down his face, and asked for a towel.
I thought he'd had tried to drink from it and splashed water on his face. Uh, no.
Turns out, he had dropped the Nalgene bottle on the way in, because he'd been CARRYING WITH A PAIR OF UTILITY SCISSORS and splashed the water all over the hall.
And after he came back for a 3rd hand towel, I went to look and 'splash' was an understatement.
The water was everywhere: puddled on the floor, splashed on the door frames, baseboards, AND WALLS to nearly the ceiling.
It was impressive.
A bath towel took care of the majority of the dampness, and I think that Big Bro's chagrin turned to relief when I started laughing at the "splash zone."
I'm just glad we didn't also have to clean up shards of broken water bottle; hooray for Nalgene!
Summer is upon us
I have very good intentions of keeping to a semblance of a schedule in this post-school existence.
Day 1 went well; but we'll see how Day 2+ go...
Morning Schedule:
Read- 20-30 minutes
Journal- write/draw/doodle
Physical Exercise- bike, take Lola for a walk, soccer, walk to park, etc.
Chores- from daily list
Extra- math rocket game, flash cards, Hooked on Phonics, extra chores.
They get .25 for each task successfully completed (i.e. without excessive harranging on my part).
And, because I am an evil genius, they can spend their quarters on special treats (to the movies, to QT, etc) AND/OR on 'screen time.' Around here, it'll cost you .25 to play for 30 minutes on the computer or to play Wii. Greg thinks this a cruel; I think it's teaching them the value of money.
Plus, in the afternoons, we have other stuff to do, so it's not like they have endless hours to fill with video games.
Afternoon schedule: (via Pinterest)
Monday: Make something (arts & crafts)
Tuesday: trip to the library
Wednesday: What's Cooking?
Thursday: be Thoughtful
Friday: somewhere Fun!
So far, for What's Cooking Wednesday, we made chocolate chip cookies**.
The were proclaimed: DALICIOUS.
And today for "Be Thoughtful Thursday" we'll probably go share some with the neighbors!
I'm sure the boys would love nothings more than to ride bikes and play Wii all day, but because both of those require ME to play supervisor, I'd just as soon DO something more engaging.
~~~~~~
Did you ever have a summer schedule as a kid or made one for your child? Or is 'wild and free' more your style?
Day 1 went well; but we'll see how Day 2+ go...
Morning Schedule:
Read- 20-30 minutes
Journal- write/draw/doodle
Physical Exercise- bike, take Lola for a walk, soccer, walk to park, etc.
Chores- from daily list
Extra- math rocket game, flash cards, Hooked on Phonics, extra chores.
They get .25 for each task successfully completed (i.e. without excessive harranging on my part).
And, because I am an evil genius, they can spend their quarters on special treats (to the movies, to QT, etc) AND/OR on 'screen time.' Around here, it'll cost you .25 to play for 30 minutes on the computer or to play Wii. Greg thinks this a cruel; I think it's teaching them the value of money.
Plus, in the afternoons, we have other stuff to do, so it's not like they have endless hours to fill with video games.
Afternoon schedule: (via Pinterest)
Monday: Make something (arts & crafts)
Tuesday: trip to the library
Wednesday: What's Cooking?
Thursday: be Thoughtful
Friday: somewhere Fun!
So far, for What's Cooking Wednesday, we made chocolate chip cookies**.
The were proclaimed: DALICIOUS.
And today for "Be Thoughtful Thursday" we'll probably go share some with the neighbors!
I'm sure the boys would love nothings more than to ride bikes and play Wii all day, but because both of those require ME to play supervisor, I'd just as soon DO something more engaging.
~~~~~~
Did you ever have a summer schedule as a kid or made one for your child? Or is 'wild and free' more your style?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Pre-Summer Mayhem
Monday, May 14th-- Boys beg for bikes. Having just been to Target that morning and noticed that they go for $75- 100, Vicki is saddened.
Tuesday-- Genius strikes- hello! Craigslist! by that evening, have procured bike for Little Bro -- $10.
Wednesday -- procured bike for Big Bro-- $20. Practice rides begin- they are kind of awful.
Thursday, -- scheduled 'family meeting' at DHS with Mom does not go as planned, when she neglects to show. We are all disappointed.
Friday- out to Porter for High school graduation of our 2 nieces. Is a lovely ceremony, until Lil Brother will NOT keep quiet. I haul him out the hallway for a time out; discipline is decided as early bedtime, no dessert. Which is of course, the WORST EVER.
Saturday- Hauled ice chest + Lola the Adventure Dog + the boys out to Grand Lake for a day of wading, eating, shrieking and boating with friends. 6 adults, 7 kids, 2 dogs, 1 pontoon boat = wet and wild time.
Sunday- slept in (them till 8, us till 10). Riverside Park and a family bike ride made for an idyllic Sunday evening.
Monday, the 21st- after school, bike rides until dinner, Little Bro adapts art smock into Super Boy cape, is awesome.
Tuesday, 22nd -- LAST DAY OF SCHOOL- gifts of roses and tags that read "Thanks for helping me BLOOM" are handed out to teachers.
Hugs all around. The boys leave without a backward glance, backpacks stuffed full of papers, art supplies and snacks.
~~~~~
More bike rides, a couple of crashes, playing in the sprinkler, etc. Parents meeting for a camp we hope to get them into.
Summer is here! Ready or not.
Tuesday-- Genius strikes- hello! Craigslist! by that evening, have procured bike for Little Bro -- $10.
Wednesday -- procured bike for Big Bro-- $20. Practice rides begin- they are kind of awful.
Thursday, -- scheduled 'family meeting' at DHS with Mom does not go as planned, when she neglects to show. We are all disappointed.
Friday- out to Porter for High school graduation of our 2 nieces. Is a lovely ceremony, until Lil Brother will NOT keep quiet. I haul him out the hallway for a time out; discipline is decided as early bedtime, no dessert. Which is of course, the WORST EVER.
Saturday- Hauled ice chest + Lola the Adventure Dog + the boys out to Grand Lake for a day of wading, eating, shrieking and boating with friends. 6 adults, 7 kids, 2 dogs, 1 pontoon boat = wet and wild time.
Sunday- slept in (them till 8, us till 10). Riverside Park and a family bike ride made for an idyllic Sunday evening.
Monday, the 21st- after school, bike rides until dinner, Little Bro adapts art smock into Super Boy cape, is awesome.
Tuesday, 22nd -- LAST DAY OF SCHOOL- gifts of roses and tags that read "Thanks for helping me BLOOM" are handed out to teachers.
(yes, its via Pinterest)):
Hugs all around. The boys leave without a backward glance, backpacks stuffed full of papers, art supplies and snacks.
~~~~~
More bike rides, a couple of crashes, playing in the sprinkler, etc. Parents meeting for a camp we hope to get them into.
Summer is here! Ready or not.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Adventures at bath time
About 8:30 PM last night our water heater decided to spring a leak.
So what what typically would be as simple as wrestling the boys into a bath or herding them into a shower (depending on if it's a school night), suddenly became a much more complex situation.
I opted to bathe the boys "Laura Ingals Wilder" style, by heating some water and mopping them clean with a wash rag and then dumping the remaining water over their heads to rinse.
It actually worked out pretty well! Although we skipped shampooing their heads, they got clean and were out of the tub in record time! We were all kind of amazed.
Pioneer problem solver for the win!
So what what typically would be as simple as wrestling the boys into a bath or herding them into a shower (depending on if it's a school night), suddenly became a much more complex situation.
I opted to bathe the boys "Laura Ingals Wilder" style, by heating some water and mopping them clean with a wash rag and then dumping the remaining water over their heads to rinse.
It actually worked out pretty well! Although we skipped shampooing their heads, they got clean and were out of the tub in record time! We were all kind of amazed.
Pioneer problem solver for the win!
UPDATE: Water heater has been fixed! The bathing of boys we resume as normal! Yay!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Adorable is...
Mr. Greg, chilling on the floor after work, teaching both the Boys how to play chess.
Mother's Day
Yesterday was Mother's Day and it was an emotionally difficult day for everyone, but mostly, me. The boys were happy as larks, thank goodness, largely because they got to see their mother.
I felt that it was important to have a visit ON Mother's Day, to let the boys have that time with their real mother, to at least pretend that things were normal.
But of course, that fact that I helped them make the gift (DIY sugar scrub) and had the card for them to sign and arranged the visit, didn't make things more normal, it made them less so.
It was confusing for us all as to who to give the school-made gifts. Labeled: "To Momma" but for "both of you... you can share it", from savvy Big Bro.
It was bittersweet, to be included in Mother's Day accolades via social media and greetings of "Happy Mother's Day!" with knowing smiles in the halls of LifeKids, as we herded the Boys towards Sunday School.
And then, frankly, it was terrible to sit through child dedications at church and want to have them up on the stage, dedicating ourselves to raising them in our spiritual tradition. We do our best in the time that we have them, but knowing that we don't get to keep them for always, made me very sad.
After church, it was awkward to wait for Her to bring them back to us (we've now progressed to her taking them on short jaunts), so that we could load up and go visit OUR family.
It was painful to see them ferociously hug their Momma and Littlest Brother (age: 3) and try to take him with us.
~~~~~~
Still, I don't really know how to feel about the whole Mother's Day experience. While I am a mother according to the State of Oklahoma and act as one every day, the Mother's Day pageantry still felt like it belonged to other people, those moms, over there, the one's who've been doing it from day 1.
As I wrote in my greeting cards to my own mother, I've always know what a good parent looked like, but I understand what a difficult proposition it is to be one, day in and out.
I have so much respect for moms who do this parenting thing: the best way they know how, with or without a partner, through good days and bad days. Much love and admiration to all the moms.
I felt that it was important to have a visit ON Mother's Day, to let the boys have that time with their real mother, to at least pretend that things were normal.
But of course, that fact that I helped them make the gift (DIY sugar scrub) and had the card for them to sign and arranged the visit, didn't make things more normal, it made them less so.
It was confusing for us all as to who to give the school-made gifts. Labeled: "To Momma" but for "both of you... you can share it", from savvy Big Bro.
It was bittersweet, to be included in Mother's Day accolades via social media and greetings of "Happy Mother's Day!" with knowing smiles in the halls of LifeKids, as we herded the Boys towards Sunday School.
And then, frankly, it was terrible to sit through child dedications at church and want to have them up on the stage, dedicating ourselves to raising them in our spiritual tradition. We do our best in the time that we have them, but knowing that we don't get to keep them for always, made me very sad.
After church, it was awkward to wait for Her to bring them back to us (we've now progressed to her taking them on short jaunts), so that we could load up and go visit OUR family.
It was painful to see them ferociously hug their Momma and Littlest Brother (age: 3) and try to take him with us.
~~~~~~
Still, I don't really know how to feel about the whole Mother's Day experience. While I am a mother according to the State of Oklahoma and act as one every day, the Mother's Day pageantry still felt like it belonged to other people, those moms, over there, the one's who've been doing it from day 1.
As I wrote in my greeting cards to my own mother, I've always know what a good parent looked like, but I understand what a difficult proposition it is to be one, day in and out.
I have so much respect for moms who do this parenting thing: the best way they know how, with or without a partner, through good days and bad days. Much love and admiration to all the moms.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Side-eye
Friday, May 10
Praise the lord! Greg has returned from far away lands! And we went to the airport to pick him up.
I got the boys fed, "homeworked" and bathed and into clean comfy clothes (in case they fell asleep on the way home - HA!) & we headed to the airport to meet Greg's 8:30 flight.
The boys had never been to the airport, so they were excited to check the whole thing out.
As they whirled through the carousel door and loudly observed and questioned every new thing, I felt the eyes of the baggage claim crowd tracking our progress through the terminal. The judgment was palpable: those kids sure are loud...is that their MOM?!?....surely not...who are they meeting?....wait, he's not black....
So far, the racial oddness of our placement has gone largely unremarked, in public spaces. With the exception of a few "are they twins?" inquiries, laden with curiosity, who are inevitably disappointed when I cheerfully chirp, "Nope!" and herd the boys onward.
But not comments or inquiries, doesn't mean people aren't looking, wondering perhaps judging. I fully expected foster care to be a crap shoot in many aspects, including racially. However, I expected to field more outright questions and fewer sidelong glances.
Our reasons for fostering are focused on conveying value, love and respect to whatever kids need it, regardless of age, race, or gender.
However, trying to DO that in a piblic space, when I'm also worried about managing behaviors in public spaces is extremely challenging. Ultimately, it's no ones business, but in an extremely conservative state like OK, conservation's about child abuse, fostering and even racial equality are rare. I hope that I am ready to have them, when the opportunity presents itself.
Praise the lord! Greg has returned from far away lands! And we went to the airport to pick him up.
I got the boys fed, "homeworked" and bathed and into clean comfy clothes (in case they fell asleep on the way home - HA!) & we headed to the airport to meet Greg's 8:30 flight.
The boys had never been to the airport, so they were excited to check the whole thing out.
As they whirled through the carousel door and loudly observed and questioned every new thing, I felt the eyes of the baggage claim crowd tracking our progress through the terminal. The judgment was palpable: those kids sure are loud...is that their MOM?!?....surely not...who are they meeting?....wait, he's not black....
So far, the racial oddness of our placement has gone largely unremarked, in public spaces. With the exception of a few "are they twins?" inquiries, laden with curiosity, who are inevitably disappointed when I cheerfully chirp, "Nope!" and herd the boys onward.
But not comments or inquiries, doesn't mean people aren't looking, wondering perhaps judging. I fully expected foster care to be a crap shoot in many aspects, including racially. However, I expected to field more outright questions and fewer sidelong glances.
Our reasons for fostering are focused on conveying value, love and respect to whatever kids need it, regardless of age, race, or gender.
However, trying to DO that in a piblic space, when I'm also worried about managing behaviors in public spaces is extremely challenging. Ultimately, it's no ones business, but in an extremely conservative state like OK, conservation's about child abuse, fostering and even racial equality are rare. I hope that I am ready to have them, when the opportunity presents itself.
Experiments in human behavior, part 112
I told a friend, after explaining the whole Wii limitation thing, that there are many days here recently that feel like I'm living in a behavioral phychology experiement! There are times when a small change can make a world of difference and others where no matter what I do, bad behaviors abound seemingly without reason. Other days, I find my own "buttons" being pushed as one of the Boys ignores my request to brush their teeth/pick up their shoes/whatever for the 7th time, and I find myself shouting when I don't mean to or rolling my eyes at a crying 6 year old.
Case in point: Little Brother dropped his Avenger's transforming car thing as he exited the car and one of the wheels broke off. I scooped it us, thinking that I'd be able to pop the tire back on when we got into the house.
Wrong.
Thing was broken. As I showed him that it was broken and explained that I couldn't fix it, giant tears welled up in his eyes and he started to cry.
But when he shrugged off my hug and reassurances that it would be ok and cried harder, I was miffed. Why was he crying over a stupid toy?
A few minutes later, he is STILL crying and I'm now annoyed. So taking a cue from another friend (h/t Gloria), I say to Little Bro,
"Hey bud, I know you are upset about the car, but you don't need to stand here and cry over it. If you want to cry, that's fine, but you are going to need to go do it in your room. You can come back out whenever you feel better."
So he trundles off to his room, clutching the maimed toy. As I'm getting a snack for Big Bro, I can hear him wailing over his car: "My car is B-b-b-b-broken!"
He's sounds SO SAD over this silly car, that I can't help but giggle a little.
Then, I swear, not 5 minutes later, he's in the kitchen, helping himself to a snack from the snack basket, tear-stained, but clear-eyed and TOTALLY OVER IT.
What the heck.
Anywho, guess when he stopped getting attention over his crying/pouting/tantrum, it wasn't an effective means of getting attention, so he stopped. Experiments in human behavior, part 112. To be continued!
Case in point: Little Brother dropped his Avenger's transforming car thing as he exited the car and one of the wheels broke off. I scooped it us, thinking that I'd be able to pop the tire back on when we got into the house.
Wrong.
Thing was broken. As I showed him that it was broken and explained that I couldn't fix it, giant tears welled up in his eyes and he started to cry.
But when he shrugged off my hug and reassurances that it would be ok and cried harder, I was miffed. Why was he crying over a stupid toy?
A few minutes later, he is STILL crying and I'm now annoyed. So taking a cue from another friend (h/t Gloria), I say to Little Bro,
"Hey bud, I know you are upset about the car, but you don't need to stand here and cry over it. If you want to cry, that's fine, but you are going to need to go do it in your room. You can come back out whenever you feel better."
So he trundles off to his room, clutching the maimed toy. As I'm getting a snack for Big Bro, I can hear him wailing over his car: "My car is B-b-b-b-broken!"
He's sounds SO SAD over this silly car, that I can't help but giggle a little.
Then, I swear, not 5 minutes later, he's in the kitchen, helping himself to a snack from the snack basket, tear-stained, but clear-eyed and TOTALLY OVER IT.
What the heck.
Anywho, guess when he stopped getting attention over his crying/pouting/tantrum, it wasn't an effective means of getting attention, so he stopped. Experiments in human behavior, part 112. To be continued!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Practically Idyllic
With the notable exception of waking up & getting to school super late this morning, on the day Little Bro went to the zoo no less, today was a vast vast improvement over yesterday.
While i was mowing the lawn & sweating out my self-loathing. (see above), I realized where we'd gone astray. That damn Wii. The boys beg to play it so often & so hard that I've been giving in more often than not. What used to be a weekend- only thing has now become a near daily thing. And while normally most kids would be quiet and play their games, THESE kids fight and yell and carry one to such an extent that it's more stressful to have it on than to put up with the begging.
So, I've made an executive decision, no more weekday Wii. Instead, after school we went grocery shopping, watched some educational tv (what's up Discovery Channel!), did some artwork, went for a WALK after dinner- on which we ate ice cream cones - & played Transformers before bath time. Wow.
Zero meltdowns from either of them; only one small scuffle, all homework completed AND time for a bedtime
story. Booyah.
While i was mowing the lawn & sweating out my self-loathing. (see above), I realized where we'd gone astray. That damn Wii. The boys beg to play it so often & so hard that I've been giving in more often than not. What used to be a weekend- only thing has now become a near daily thing. And while normally most kids would be quiet and play their games, THESE kids fight and yell and carry one to such an extent that it's more stressful to have it on than to put up with the begging.
So, I've made an executive decision, no more weekday Wii. Instead, after school we went grocery shopping, watched some educational tv (what's up Discovery Channel!), did some artwork, went for a WALK after dinner- on which we ate ice cream cones - & played Transformers before bath time. Wow.
Zero meltdowns from either of them; only one small scuffle, all homework completed AND time for a bedtime
story. Booyah.
Single motherhood this is not
But damn if I don't have a lot more sympathy for those who ARE single moms after last night.
G is out of town for a last minute business trip & boy don't I know it.
I didn't realize how much I count on him for "backup". We tap in and out of of difficult situations (getting them out of bed in the morning) and behavior (refusing to take a shower) likes relay racers, sprinting and striving till someone else can take over.
Except, yesterday there was no one to relieve me. And the boys seemed to know it, because they double-downed on the fighting, the resistance, & generally being little shits.
For example, Big Bro pitched, count 'em, 4 different fits over the course of yesterday- one for not getting a sack lunch (only on Fridays), losing at Homework Champion, having to take a bath, having to sleep in his own bunk. AND I had to exercise the "nuclear option" 2 different times just to get Big Bro into bed- that is, for interested parties, threatening to cut off access to the Wii for the WEEK. This is one of those threats that I now realize would have totally sucked to had to have to follow through on, but I was just desperate enough to do it.
Fortunately, Big Bro loves Wii more than anything & so he complied, not without thinking about it for a minute.
I actually am concerned about what will happen when the boys go home to their single parent household. Will they run Her over like they try to do me? Will she learn how to encourage good behavior and not give in to bad behaviors? Will she want to hear any of this from me? I hope so. Part of the Bridge Program that we are in is to build relationship with the parent(s) of the foster kids that we have, so that a) we can stay in contact and b) to try an mentor the parent in good parenting skills, rather than just giving the kids back and we hope we don't see them back in foster care in a year ie traditional foster care. The Boys mom is warming up to us, but we're still aways from any kind of "mentoring" relationship.
Anyway, here's hoping that day 2 without G goes better. And that I don't have to take away anyone's Wii privileges. Please, not the Wii!
G is out of town for a last minute business trip & boy don't I know it.
I didn't realize how much I count on him for "backup". We tap in and out of of difficult situations (getting them out of bed in the morning) and behavior (refusing to take a shower) likes relay racers, sprinting and striving till someone else can take over.
Except, yesterday there was no one to relieve me. And the boys seemed to know it, because they double-downed on the fighting, the resistance, & generally being little shits.
For example, Big Bro pitched, count 'em, 4 different fits over the course of yesterday- one for not getting a sack lunch (only on Fridays), losing at Homework Champion, having to take a bath, having to sleep in his own bunk. AND I had to exercise the "nuclear option" 2 different times just to get Big Bro into bed- that is, for interested parties, threatening to cut off access to the Wii for the WEEK. This is one of those threats that I now realize would have totally sucked to had to have to follow through on, but I was just desperate enough to do it.
Fortunately, Big Bro loves Wii more than anything & so he complied, not without thinking about it for a minute.
I actually am concerned about what will happen when the boys go home to their single parent household. Will they run Her over like they try to do me? Will she learn how to encourage good behavior and not give in to bad behaviors? Will she want to hear any of this from me? I hope so. Part of the Bridge Program that we are in is to build relationship with the parent(s) of the foster kids that we have, so that a) we can stay in contact and b) to try an mentor the parent in good parenting skills, rather than just giving the kids back and we hope we don't see them back in foster care in a year ie traditional foster care. The Boys mom is warming up to us, but we're still aways from any kind of "mentoring" relationship.
Anyway, here's hoping that day 2 without G goes better. And that I don't have to take away anyone's Wii privileges. Please, not the Wii!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Togetherness
We spent most of Saturday at home.
The boys played Wii and ate cereal under G's supervision, while I ran errands. Then we cleaned house with our newly obtained cleaning supplies (thanks for the spring cleaning sale, Target!)
The boys are very willing helpers and seem to soak up the praise that accompanies chores. I can't imagine that they LIKE scrubbing toilets or dusting, but they like being helpers and the one on one time that seems to be necessary to supervise.
Later we all played Wii- which was pretty wild. The boys are very vocal and physical (lots of shouting & jumping around) which G had to put the kibosh on, so we could all see the screen at the same time.
Much like chores, playing 4 player Mario can actually be good for them. G calls Nintendo therapy, I call it teamwork and respect. Shouting at your brother isn't gonna make him play any better, GUYS.
In all, a good day. Got things accomplished, had fun & I didn't want to knock any heads together by the end of it. Amazing!
The boys played Wii and ate cereal under G's supervision, while I ran errands. Then we cleaned house with our newly obtained cleaning supplies (thanks for the spring cleaning sale, Target!)
The boys are very willing helpers and seem to soak up the praise that accompanies chores. I can't imagine that they LIKE scrubbing toilets or dusting, but they like being helpers and the one on one time that seems to be necessary to supervise.
Later we all played Wii- which was pretty wild. The boys are very vocal and physical (lots of shouting & jumping around) which G had to put the kibosh on, so we could all see the screen at the same time.
Much like chores, playing 4 player Mario can actually be good for them. G calls Nintendo therapy, I call it teamwork and respect. Shouting at your brother isn't gonna make him play any better, GUYS.
In all, a good day. Got things accomplished, had fun & I didn't want to knock any heads together by the end of it. Amazing!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Carnival, part 2
Friday evening we went to the Boys' school carnival, which was simultaneously fun & wild. The boys were ecstatic to be there, sharing hugs with teachers and waving excitedly at school friends.
For my part, what struck me were the knowing, welcoming smiles from the adults, particularly school staff.
In fact, I received a few quiet asides from teachers, about how they "look so happy." The principal, whose been very welcoming, even said to me as the Boys were bouncing on the Jupiter Jump, "They are doing so well; glad to have you all here!"
So, although it is definitely a pain to drive them to school and pick them up every day, halfway across town, I'm glad that we decided to leave them in their school. If they'd been placed with us earlier in the school year, we might would have moved them to the neighborhood school, 3 blocks from our house.
G. wishes they could stay where they are next year, but it looks like they will be moving schools again in the fall. I only hope that next year's administration will be as kind and understanding as this years' have been.
Hopefully everyone, teachers, Mom and the Boys themselves, will have less to deal with: fewer absences, less drama, more stability.
For my part, what struck me were the knowing, welcoming smiles from the adults, particularly school staff.
In fact, I received a few quiet asides from teachers, about how they "look so happy." The principal, whose been very welcoming, even said to me as the Boys were bouncing on the Jupiter Jump, "They are doing so well; glad to have you all here!"
So, although it is definitely a pain to drive them to school and pick them up every day, halfway across town, I'm glad that we decided to leave them in their school. If they'd been placed with us earlier in the school year, we might would have moved them to the neighborhood school, 3 blocks from our house.
G. wishes they could stay where they are next year, but it looks like they will be moving schools again in the fall. I only hope that next year's administration will be as kind and understanding as this years' have been.
Hopefully everyone, teachers, Mom and the Boys themselves, will have less to deal with: fewer absences, less drama, more stability.
School Carnival!
Double fistful of tickets + bouncy castle(s) + games galore+ "pieing" the teachers + candy as prizes = coked up kids & wiped out 'rents.
That is all, over and out.
That is all, over and out.
4 Stereotypes about Motherhood that, suprise!, are totally true.
1. Laundry never ends. Neither do dishes.
2. Putting kids to bed never happens only once; must not love them if there's not one last hug/glass of water/bandaid.
3. Exhaustion is the number one threat to sexy times; snuggling on the couch while we watch Parks and Rec is a mostly acceptable substitute, however.
4. Girls Night Out- replete with many martinis- is amazing amazing and a total sanity saver. What up, ladies!
2. Putting kids to bed never happens only once; must not love them if there's not one last hug/glass of water/bandaid.
3. Exhaustion is the number one threat to sexy times; snuggling on the couch while we watch Parks and Rec is a mostly acceptable substitute, however.
4. Girls Night Out- replete with many martinis- is amazing amazing and a total sanity saver. What up, ladies!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Four weeks ago
Four weeks ago today my husband & I drove north, beyond our neighborhood, our side of the tracks and our comfort zone at large.
Four weeks ago today we were plunged into Fosterhood as soon as we walked through the doors of the children's shelter, & announced ourselves as foster parents.
Four weeks ago today, we became parents at the stoke of a pen.
Four weeks ago today, we ate the first of many pizzas from "Zizis."
Four weeks ago today, we put together the first of many Lego sets.
Four weeks ago today, G made an emergency run to Walgreens for Batman toothbrushes.
Four weeks ago today, I lay awake listening to sticky coughs & wondered how I would ever sleep through the night again (hint: exhaustion).
Four weeks ago today, we prayed that we could somehow let these sweet boys know that they are valuable, wanted and loved.
Tonight, I pray that same prayer, with added pleas for an extra serving of wisdom & an extra bucket of patience.
Four weeks ago today we were plunged into Fosterhood as soon as we walked through the doors of the children's shelter, & announced ourselves as foster parents.
Four weeks ago today, we became parents at the stoke of a pen.
Four weeks ago today, we ate the first of many pizzas from "Zizis."
Four weeks ago today, we put together the first of many Lego sets.
Four weeks ago today, G made an emergency run to Walgreens for Batman toothbrushes.
Four weeks ago today, I lay awake listening to sticky coughs & wondered how I would ever sleep through the night again (hint: exhaustion).
Four weeks ago today, we prayed that we could somehow let these sweet boys know that they are valuable, wanted and loved.
Tonight, I pray that same prayer, with added pleas for an extra serving of wisdom & an extra bucket of patience.
Harrowing
Visits with the Boy's mother are difficult for me. Moreso, I thought, than for the Boys themselves.
In OKDHS training, we talked a lot about how difficult it might be to let the children have visits with their parents, who have hurt them- emotionally or physically; how it would be difficult to deal with the emotional aftermath of kids who feel abandoned all over again, when the visit is over. But training also emphasized that it is the child's right to see their parent, regardless of how we might feel, although visitation can look a lot of different ways- some visits may need to be supervised by DHS staff and others can be unsupervised in the foster home, or even overnight visits.
Yesterday (Monday) was our first in-home visit.
About 10 minutes before the visit, I talked to Mom, clarifying directions, and she let me know that she was bringing two of the Boys' little cousins- about their same age.
Great.
Normally, the Boys get kind of hyper when a new person comes over, much less cousins they haven't seen in who knows how long. Plus, her bringing cousins totally defeats the purpose of quality time with Mom.
The visit went something like this:
Joyous hugs!
Play outside!
Assault pizza delivery guy!
Eat dinner standing up/dancing around!
Ransack room/toy chest!
Race back outside for more bubbles/soccer/jump rope!
Play Play Play
After a bit, mean Miss Vicki has to break up the fun because Boys still haven't done homework/bath.
The the roundup and separation, like excitable calfs.... hysterical giggling/chasing...
In OKDHS training, we talked a lot about how difficult it might be to let the children have visits with their parents, who have hurt them- emotionally or physically; how it would be difficult to deal with the emotional aftermath of kids who feel abandoned all over again, when the visit is over. But training also emphasized that it is the child's right to see their parent, regardless of how we might feel, although visitation can look a lot of different ways- some visits may need to be supervised by DHS staff and others can be unsupervised in the foster home, or even overnight visits.
Yesterday (Monday) was our first in-home visit.
About 10 minutes before the visit, I talked to Mom, clarifying directions, and she let me know that she was bringing two of the Boys' little cousins- about their same age.
Great.
Normally, the Boys get kind of hyper when a new person comes over, much less cousins they haven't seen in who knows how long. Plus, her bringing cousins totally defeats the purpose of quality time with Mom.
The visit went something like this:
Joyous hugs!
Play outside!
Assault pizza delivery guy!
Eat dinner standing up/dancing around!
Ransack room/toy chest!
Race back outside for more bubbles/soccer/jump rope!
Play Play Play
After a bit, mean Miss Vicki has to break up the fun because Boys still haven't done homework/bath.
The the roundup and separation, like excitable calfs.... hysterical giggling/chasing...
And...
....a sudden, sobbing meltdown from...Big Brother. Which was heartbreaking, as he's not typically the "sensitive" one, Little Bro is.
And in the most touching act of kindness, I've ever seen from an 8 year old, Sassy Girl Cousin knelt down to hug and comfort prone, crying Big Bro. Reassuring him that she'd see him again soon and listing off all the cool things about his life (awesome bunk beds, neat dog, etc).
But Big Bro would not be comforted; he lay sobbing as if his heart would break, as the Cousins and Mom left.
.....
Normally, the Boys are nonplussed when visits are over. But having Mom in HIS space must have triggered Big Bro (and I'm sure the cousins didn't help).
All I could do was scoop him up (not that an 8 year old is very scoopable), hug him, get him a drink of water and rub his back. And slowly return to center, to routine: homework, shower, teeth, bedtime story.
And although they resisted (like usual), they were both asleep shortly after turning off the lights, perhaps even more quickly and more desperately than usual.
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