Harrowing

Visits with the Boy's mother are difficult for me. Moreso, I thought, than for the Boys themselves.

In OKDHS training, we talked a lot about how difficult it might be to let the children have visits with their parents, who have hurt them- emotionally or physically;  how it would be difficult to deal with the emotional aftermath of kids who feel abandoned all over again, when the visit is over.  But training also emphasized that it is the child's right to see their parent, regardless of how we might feel, although visitation can look a lot of different ways- some visits may need to be supervised by DHS staff and others can be unsupervised in the foster home, or even overnight visits.

Yesterday (Monday) was our first in-home visit.

About 10 minutes before the visit, I talked to Mom, clarifying directions, and she let me know that she was bringing two of the Boys' little cousins- about their same age.

Great.

Normally, the Boys get kind of hyper when a new person comes over, much less cousins they haven't seen in who knows how long. Plus, her bringing cousins totally defeats the purpose of quality time with Mom.

The visit went something like this:
Joyous hugs!
Play outside!
Assault pizza delivery guy!
Eat dinner standing up/dancing around!
Ransack room/toy chest!
Race back outside for more bubbles/soccer/jump rope!
Play Play Play

After a bit, mean Miss Vicki has to break up the fun because Boys still haven't done homework/bath.


The the roundup and separation, like excitable calfs.... hysterical giggling/chasing...

And...

....a sudden, sobbing meltdown from...Big Brother. Which was heartbreaking, as he's not typically the "sensitive"  one, Little Bro is. 

And in the most touching act of kindness, I've ever seen from an 8 year old, Sassy Girl Cousin knelt down to hug and comfort prone, crying Big Bro. Reassuring him that she'd see him again soon and listing off all the cool things about his life (awesome bunk beds, neat dog, etc).

But Big Bro would not be comforted; he lay sobbing as if his heart would break, as the Cousins and Mom left. 

.....

Normally, the Boys are nonplussed when visits are over.  But having Mom in HIS space must have triggered Big Bro (and I'm sure the cousins didn't help). 

All I could do was scoop him up (not that an 8 year old is very scoopable), hug him, get him a drink of water and rub his back. And slowly return to center, to routine: homework, shower, teeth, bedtime story. 

And although they resisted (like usual), they were both asleep shortly after turning off the lights, perhaps even more quickly and more desperately than usual. 

17 Days with The Boys

Due to DHS regulations, I cannot share any identifying information about our foster children on this blog (i.e. no proper names, identifying pictures or other information).

What I can tell you is this: they are brothers, ages 6 & 8, about a year and a half apart, but only 1 year in school apart. They are friendly, active, exhuburant and delightful (most of the time).

They are also stubborn, have selective hearing and are far too clever for their own good (like most boys their age, I suppose).

I call them Big Bro and Little Bro on the blog.

They are different in their own ways, too of course.

Big Bro is shyer when meeting strangers, has more of a 'wall' up when being disciplined, glowers when displeased and has a slow smile when amused.

Little Bro is more gregarious with strangers, has deep dimples and his whole face splits into a grin when he laughs (which is often); when he's mad/sad/displeased/any negative emotion, he pouts. It's a rather impressive full body pout, though: whole body goes stiff, head drops and his bottom lip sticks waaaaay out.

Although they are African-American, the oldest has a 'white' sounding name. The younger has a very steriotypically black first name, but actually goes by his middle name, which is more 'white' sounding. Sometimes I wonder which name he will choose to use as he gets older.

The DHS workers tell us we are extremely lucky to have kids like these. It's their first placement and their situation was one of neglect, not abuse. And while they are not suffering from major physical trauma, they have behaviors and issues of their own.

It doesn't feel like we're lucky; they are a lot of work- they are so energetic that it's all Greg and I can do to collapse on the couch after we herd them into bed. And, from what we can tell, their home life was very unstructured (no formal bedtime, no chores, etc). So we are having to put into place those kinds of structures while also dealing with their energy, attitudes, feelings of abandonment, etc. Frankly my dear, it's exhausting.

We've had them for 17 days. 17 hilarious, chaotic, frustrating, joyful days.

I think these pics of their bedroom illustrate the past two and a half weeks well.
Below: Day before they arrived; room styled to perfection.

Aaaaaand: This morning. Yup, two boys live here.