Respite

G and I have had a few opportunities the past few months to take short trips without the kids and let me tell you, it's been a lifesaver.

Respite is an official break from caregiving and we are fortunate enough to have several options when it comes to people we can leave the kids with; in addition, foster families have access to paid
'respite care' that DHS pays for-- basically other foster families or DHS approved folks who take the kids for a certain amount time.

We were actually a weekend respite placement for Miss M and Baby A, when their former foster parents had health issues. Those health issues eventually forced them to give them up and since we'd bonded with the kids, we were able to become their official foster parents. And that weekend placement will be a year, in a little under 2 weeks!

Those same foster parents are still in our lives; we call them the 'foster grandparents'. And they were gracious to keep them last weekend when G and I went to my sister's wedding in Springfield/Branson, MO last weekend. They had a full house-- their adopted kiddo, 5, Miss M (also 5), Baby A (2), and 2 foster babies (12 months and 6 weeks). That's 5 under 6. Woo! Glad it wasn't me.

Contemplating the view at Black Mesa State Park; .can't you just feel the serenity?!

We've also had G's parents watch the kids for the weekend, most recently for Memorial Day weekend when G & I took a road trip to Black Mesa in the Panhandle, which has been great for everyone. They love spoiling the kids, the kids love them and we feel safe (and a little guilty) about leaving them with Nana and Pop Pop. They've been so generous over the years, and have not failed to wholeheartedly embrace our foster kids as their own.

So grateful for the love that surrounds us and the kiddos.

Dinner with Papi

So, the blog's been quiet, which usually means that there's too much going on behind the scenes for me to share.

The same is true for the kids' custody issues- where I once worried that M wouldn't get to finish her school year, now I have to consider what we're gonna do with the kids this summer. But that's another topic for another post.

Visitations with the kids' dad- Papi- have been fairly consistent over the months we've had them- with the exception if Easter weekend. The day has shifted around a little, but now we're having visits in our home, Thursday evenings.

(I DEARLY miss the Sunday afternoon visits where he would take them out for several hours and leave G and I alone, blessedly alone.)

So, he comes over for dinner about 5:30,  plays with the kids while I cook, and we eat when G gets home 6ish. Then, he helps gives baths and puts them to bed.

The first few weeks few super awkward- he was real wrapped up in the kids, particularly Baby A-- M was practically climbing him in an attempt to get her fill of attention-- and he was so unsure what to do when it came to the nightly routine.

He was definitely in "learning mode"!

Now, he can give baths and monitor bedtime stuff practically on his own! So cool.

This is foster "bridging" as it's supposed to be- we are actively modeling discipline (which he reinforces), routine and care. And he gets to see how much we love his kids & we see how much they love him.

Dinner is still a little awkward (language barriers still pop up sometimes), but we're getting there.  

Back to Square One

As a follow-up to my ranty post the other day about Miss M, we met with her therapist-- who is a friggin saint (and very wise)-- who not only validated our frustration and concerns, but had some good suggestions for managing behaviors.

1.Stay strong! Don't take no crap off of no 5 year old! If she pitches another fit in the car (complete with chair kicking like she did on Tuesday of this week), pulls that sucker over!
2. Teach kindness-- i.e. awareness of how other people are feeling, how her actions affect others. Taking suggestions on this point!
3. Be more affectionate-- she's still dealing with a lot of anxiety over the pending reunification and needs to be reassured that she's going to be ok. Oy. That can be a hard one for me, but if more hugs and high fives and positive affirmations of correct behavior will get us farther along the behavior path than my default setting of 'no!', then I'm all for it.

Thoughts and comments? I welcome them!
~~~~~~

Also, have you checked out my Easter post? We had a nice time! We do manage to have fun with these kiddos, between the tantrums. :)

And stay tuned for  my thinky post about taking family portraits last weekend and how that's really the first step of my grieving process.

The Not-so-secret truth

{note: this post brought to you by Day 4 of Mega Tantrums and Extreme Stubbornness)

The truth is...if DHS wouldn't also take Baby A, I'd call them to come get Miss M today.

They truth is... I have deep deep doubts about whether we're getting through to her-- she's not learning from her mistakes and no amount of love, logic or discipline can break through her anger.

The truth is...I worry, almost constantly, about how her Papi will handle her tantrums when the family is reunited, but I also can't wait for that day to come.

The truth is...I've never been more frustrated or felt so unbelievably helpless in my life.

Easter 2012 vs 2013

2012- first Easter with foster kiddos! I remember being so excited about doing Easter baskets for Da Boys; it was their first or second week with us and they were still on pretty good behavior.

I bought Easter baskets for everyone (including Greg) and my sister and brand-new boyfriend (now her fiancee) came down for a visit and laid out an Easter egg hunt in the backyard.

Their grandmother had sent them little pants & vest combos and they were excited to wear them.

I even wrangled a picture with both of them; it was my phone background for months.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2013- 2nd Easter with foster kids. These kiddos we've had for much longer, they sort of feel like (and could pass for) our own kids.

I went bananas buying co-ordinating outfits (so cute!!) and we even made a special effort to join G's parents at their church so they could show off their "grandkids."

Check out that color coordination!

G's grandparents were there too and Grandpa Ed and Baby A, who are special buds, enjoyed hanging out together.

How cute are they?!

It was a special time. Best holiday we've had to date.

What it feels likes when you say, "oh I could never do that"

The "that" of course being fostering.

Oh, "that'd be soooo hard"

Oh, "ugh I could NEVER do that, I'd get so attached!!"

Like "it'd be so haaaaaaard"

"I'd be so saaaaad to see them go!"

No shit, Sherlock. It IS hard, it does suck, you DO get attached and yes, it rips your heart out when they leave.

But fostering is not about YOU and your emotional COMFORT, it's about being willing to be provide safety & comfort for a child whose whole world is NOT safe or comfortable.

So, please, save it- you whining about how hard it would be for YOU belittles those of us who DO. Encourage, praise, even just a "wow" would be fine, but don't wax eloquent about how you could neeeever do it, lest I be forced to school you about how selfish you sound.

*mic drop*

Not so much a lightbulb moment...

...As a slow dawning that the truth of the matter that Miss M's hellish tantrums at bedtime are not actually about wanting (or not wanting) to go to bed, they are about deviations from the standard routine.

And for her, routine = stability = love.

And denial of ANY part of this routine means obviously we don't love her.

This frustrated me to no end because we've spent the last 9 months heavily investing in her. It honestly kind of sucks that she doesn't trust that we love her without having to prove it every. single. day. and. night.

And like, no, duh- her "trust bank" is limited (because she HAS only been with us 9 months), but despite us making daily "deposits" she still gets "overdrawn" on a fairly regular basis.

Poor baby. I love her so much, but this is the part that tests us to show Love and BE grace when it's very much not natural to do so.

On crying in Panera

Last week, G & I met with Miss M's therapist at Panera for a little family update.

She had lots of nice things to say about M's progress but echoed our concerns about the visit. She told us about M's responses to the overnight visit- how frightened and anxious and almost manic she'd been in telling the therapist about the visit.

She's really scared that she's going to lose us. She said, "I just want to have 2 Daddy's and a Mommy."

I was stunned by this declaration and G teared up. She never calls us mom or dad, we're Miss Vicki and Mr. Greg, but it's incredibly touching to know that she THINKS of us that way.
Then of course, this week has been worse than normal- a week night tantrum, and two middle of the night bad dream/crying sessions (but no candy was requested!). Poor girl.

Isn't that always the way though? We renew our commitment to something and then that commitment is tested in MOST TRYING WAY POSSIBLE. Which, for me, of course means sleep disturbance, Haha.

Following our visit with the therapist, I sat down and wrote a letter to the kids' worker outlining our concerns about visitation and keeping M in her school and making sure Baby A keeps getting therapy,etc. And then, I mailed that sucker; paper = documentation, which if course is the mantra of DHS! So, we'll see what if any response that brings from the case worker.

Overnights

The kiddos went for their first overnight visit with their Papi this Friday.

I was a little reluctant to let then go, but not too much. He was really excited and Miss M was up for it, so off they went.

We said they'd be back by 1 or 2 Saturdsy afternoon, which ended up being 2:30, which meant I was a little nerve wracked by the time they showed back up.

If course I quizzed M about the visit. She said it was fun, but that she woke up crying in the night, and her dad gave her a piece of candy to stop (?!).

And when I asked if she wanted to do it again next week, she was like, "mmmm, no; I just want to go play over there for a little bit and then come back here to sleep."

Hmmm. Interesting.

Last, but certainly not least, Papi took the kids to get haircuts (which we took them to get a few weeks ago, but...whatever) and Miss M came back with a bang trim and Baby A came back with a freakin buzz cut. OMG. It looks horrible. I've never seen it that short! He has a big scar on his scalp, a big "C" from the surgery he had following his abuse. With his hair long, you can't see it, with the buzz cut, it's exposed to the world.

It makes me sad; like, "yup, this is a damaged kid"- it's marked right there on his body. At least with his hair covering the scar he could "pass" for a normal toddler.

Just like we can pass for a normal family, until Miss M calls me by my first name or pipes up about what her "real" dad lets her do or not do. I just hope she doesn't get the bright idea that she needs a piece of candy when she has her next bad dream, cause THAT ain't happening!

Update on Da Boys!

Yesterday, I made the trek up to the downtown DHS office, to get a replacement child care card. I misplaced mine for a WEEK, then, of course, finally found it at 11pm last night.

Anyway, I was up on the 3rd floor, the foster care floor, waiting. And I spotted a familiar face. It was Da Boys caseworker, Angela. I said flagged her down and asked about the boys.

She reported that they (DHS) had just closed the case after a 6 month follow-up period. Which means everything was good! The boys are still in their same school, doing well, receiving in-school therapy & counseling g services. They live in the same house (impressive) and their mom is even in school herself, for medical assisting. Wow. So awesome.

Since we haven't had contact with them since this summer- Mom changed her number & couldn't get the worker to return my calls (hence the accosting in the DHS lobby)- I'm not sure it would be appropriate to just pop back in their lives...but I sure want to! If only to encourage Mom and hug on those boys skinny little necks!

What do you all think? Should I call or drop by? Or just wish them well from a distance?

Baby A update

From earlier this week; for posterity.
Via FB

Full On Toddlerhood

Baby A is walking like a fiend! From really only starting to walk independently around Chrsistmas-time, he's now walking everywhere! And we've encouraged it. I make him walk from the changing table to his high chair for morning Cheerios, out to the car to go to daycare, etc.

So, I'm like insanely proud of him for walking like a big boy, but also a little annoyed.

He follows me everywhere, which Lola (our dog) already does. So now I've got two shadows! Hehe. It's pretty cute.

We went to Ohilbrook last weekend for their free 2nd Saturday event. Miss M & I did the art projects while Greg basically followed Baby A around, as he was exploring and having a grand time toddling up and down the ramps between floors.

He did great until near the end, when he turned into a slippery eel. If we tried to direct him by holding his hand, he'd either yank it out of our grasp or just immediately melt to the floor and start crying.

After he pulled that ish 3 or 4 times in a row, I blew the whistle on the excursion and we high tailed it to the car. Game over.

Still, we made it 2 hours or so, at the museum, before we hit Meltdown City.
I'll take what I can get!

How do you deal with toddler behaviors? What other joys of toddlerhood do I have to look forward to?

Holidaze

Man, I tell you what- I'm plum worn out from the holidays.

I'm back at work today (12/26) and am secretly glad about it.

The holidays are rough with foster kids. Every one of the big 3 has been a absolute or near disaster.

Halloween- costumes? score. Free lions' costume for Baby A. Made a cute black cat costume for Miss M, she wore it for a week. Day of? Diaster. We went to our friend's house to Trick or Treat in their posh neighborhood and not only did we run 45 minutes late, but we only trick or treated for 30 minutes (M tripped over her own feet and spilled all of her candy no fewer than 3 times), then back at the house, she refused to eat any of the provided food and split her lip playing with the other kids upstairs. We left early.

Thanksgiving: Baby A and I were sick. Missed half of Thanksgiving dinner, due to unconsciousness. Tried to spend the night at in-laws house. Utter hell.

 Miss M fell asleep on the couch and had to be moved to a bed, which woke her up; crying ensued. Baby A wouldn't sleep in his pack and play; I got up with him, got head butted for my trouble. We both cried. Packed up and went home the next morning. Everyone slept better in their own beds.

Christmas: Multiple celebrations AT OUR HOUSE (we learned from Thanksgiving)- with former foster parents, with my folks, with G's folks and by ourselves.  Only one out of the four was a near disaster.

Christmas Eve was nice- had dinner and presents with the in-laws at our place- until the very end, when Miss M, who'd been under the weather all day, had a melt-down at the end of opening presents. Just completely worn out and emotional, crying for her 'real Dad'. Which was both heartbreaking... and totally inappropriate- considering he didn't even bother to pretend that he got them Christmas gifts at his last visit. Besides, as I'm figuring out, crying for her dad is really just code for: "I'm tired and emotional, please rock me."

So I did- hustled her off to bed, soothed and petted her.

Missed Baby A walking unaccompanied, but at least she got to bed (not that she STAYED THERE. Gah.) Thank God my in-laws are the kindest, most gracious people on the planet.

Calmest by FAR was on actual Christmas Day, where we stayed, just the 4 of us, in our pajamas all day, took lots of naps, and played quietly.
~~~

I understand now why parents with young kids don't leave the house very much. It's too much fucking work and trauma to go anywhere or DO anything. Please someone tell me this gets better?
Am I doing something wrong? Are most holidays hellish? Is this a foster thing? or a little kid thing?

So yeah. I'm glad to be at work, away from the noise and emotion, mess and angst of the kiddos. Bring on the year-end paperwork.

Angel Tree with the Least of These

~crossed posted from Salvation Army Tulsa Blog~

My daughter is a 'least of these'. She's actually my foster daughter and has been in DHS custody for over a year; she and her younger brother have been with my husband and I since July of this year. They were placed with us about a week after I started my job as a grant writer here at Salvation Army. These kids are hilarious, fun, exhausting and challenging; we love it, but we are finding that we have to be very intentional about teaching them "Life Lessons,"while we can.

My husband and I have always shopped for Angels off the Angel Tree in the past, usually one for him- a boy- and one for me- a girl. This year, we have 2 little ones to buy for already, but I was loathe to give up tradition. So this year, I decided to include our foster kids.

We made it out to the Angel Tree kickoff at Promenade Mall. At age 5, Miss M (as we call her in blog-land) was unimpressed with the kickoff in general--too loud. But she did like the girls' singing group, MP3, in their matching outfits and "shiny hair."

MP3 girls group at the Angel Tree Kickoff (11/17/12)

After Kickoff, we picked out a Angel from the big tree, just her age, named "Lisbeth" and set off to pick out some gifts for "her Angel."

At first, she did a great job of picking out toys. She "ennie meenie mineie mo'd" between which Baby Alive doll 'Lisbeth' was to get- Hair Salon Baby Alive or Magic Meals Baby Alive.

Hair Salon, duh.

But she struggled a bit with stocking stuffers, as we picked out Hello Kitty stickers and pencils and Disney princess playing cards. I gently asked her if she was picking out things for herself or for Lisbeth, and she admitted they were for her. But soon we were back on the right track.

~~~~~~
Every time we added something to the bag, we would talk a little about what we were doing and why. In my own blundering, non-parental way, I tied to impress on her how it is important to share what she has, to be grateful for those who love her and that there is always someone who has less than you do.

M's letter to her Angel

Miss M is pretty smart, but I think the literal and logistics of the Angel Tree, may have gotten blurry during our conversations. She asked me, the day I went to take the Angel Tree bag in to work, "How will she get them {the toys}, up in Heaven?" I stifled a giggle and tried to explain that our "Angel" was a real girl, just like her, and that she needed extra toys and we were like her personal Santa! How fun!

Santa, she understood.

And boy, I felt like Santa, when I went to check in and shelve Lisbeth's Angel bag.

I walked past row after row of shelves, 3 levels high, with toy bags packed in, till I found Lisbeth's family bag.

Turns out, she's the youngest of 4 girls. And her bag was the last one to be added to the families' bag. Those lovely little girls would all get all their hearts desired, thanks to people they didn't know.

As I marked the bag tag with a big "C" for  "Complete," I felt the warehouse dust prick my nose. And eyes. Lots of tear-inducing dust in the warehouse.

~~~~

 And I don't know about you, but I've been near tears many times since (including today, as I wrote this post), thinking about the poor babies in Newtown, Connecticut. So close in age to Miss M and Lisbeth and so many of my friends' kids. So close to Christmas. Lodged in our hearts and the back of our throats.

But as a donor said to me this afternoon, as I took her donation for the Angel Tree over the phone, "it's the least I can do for kids in need, especially this Christmas."

So, do what you can. Shine a light in the dark. There is always someone more in need than you. Miss M can attest.

--Vicki

Thanksgiving

I'm thankful for my family-- in-laws, parents, assorted nieces, nephews and grandparent who love on, care for and celebrate Miss M and Baby A every chance they get.

A year ago we proudly hosted Thanksgiving in our newly remodeled house and fielded questions about our DHS home study and training classes.

This year, we gratefully decamped to Nana's house, where everyone giggled over the baby shoveling turkey and dressing into his little ravenous maw, and marveled at Miss M's dexterity at handling the scissors in an after dinner craft project with my sister.

(And we won't talk about the late night repercussions of an off-kilter eating and sleeping schedule.)

What a difference a year makes, indeed. It's been a for better and worse kind of deal, but I'm thankful for the experience and these kids, nonetheless


Pic: G's 92 year old grandpa, lovin on Baby A.

Attitude of Gratitude

A few months ago, we had a sermon series on tithing, and all I could think about was teaching Miss M to give...my parents taught me to tithe & give when I was a little girl, and it has been a part of my life since I was 5 or 6. It's a big part of being a good steward, in Christian terminology, or just a plain old good citizen, I feel, to save some of your income and give some away.

Also, Thanksgiving is coming up and many of my friends are actively counting their blessings in daily status updates. Cultivating gratitude is indeed a daily exercise.

Frankly, though thankfulness can be a hard row to hoe when everyone else seems to have lots to be thankful for and I can't seem to get well enough to think straight! (Damn you, flu season )
~~~~

Along these lines, my mantra has been for the past several years: "Comparison is the thief of joy." This phrase has helped jealsous ol me through many a friend getting pregnant! I refuse to compare my family's situation with others. It not only steals my joy, but sours the happiness I have FOR them.

Another way of looking at this is that there is always someone who is gonna be better off than you, but likewise, someone who is likely worse off than you, no matter who low you fall!

All of this combines in my mind to come up with the question:

How do I teach my foster kids to give, 

even when they ARE The "least of these"? 

Miss M and Baby A are comparatively lucky: they is no longer in an abusive situation, and they are massively loved--by us, by their teachers, by their former foster parents, by a passel of friends and church workers-- and BONUS, have a parent that wants themback and is actively working to fulfill the obligations that DHS has required of them.

I want to cultivate an attitude of gratitude in Miss M. Right now, she's pretty selfish and "me me me"--typical 5 year old behavior, I know. BUT, that's my job as 'mom for now", to teach her the things her own mom should be teaching her. That the holidays aren't just about presents, but about caring for others, about giving as much as getting.
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I work for Salvation Army and we are in high gear already with Christmas- Angel Trees launch tomorrow and so do the Red Kettles.

I'm excited to take Miss M shopping for another child, one who won't get presents, if not for Angel Tree.

~~~~~
What do you do, friends, to encourage giving and gratefulness in your children?
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p.s. find out more about Angel Tree, check out SalArmyTulsa on FB.

Guilt

Things I feel guilty about, presented without comment:

1. Submitting the kids for DHS Christmas gift program.

2. Signing up miss M for Free and Reduced lunch program.

3. Taking advantage of the daycare being open till 6, by running errands or catching a power nap in the parking lot.

4. Feeling a sliver of empathy for Baby A's abuser. God, when that kid screams he absolutely rattles my brains.

5. Neglecting quality time with my husband for quality time with my pillow.

Yeah.

Happy Baby

Baby A contines to grow & thrive- he is active, curious, and most of all, happy! After weeks of teething, he seems to trading whining for laughing.

He wakes up happy, joyous, grinning and mugging for us from changing table to high chair.

He's delighted to gobble up bananas, pears, Cheerios, you name it! And then squawk and bang his tray for more!

He giggles with glee to see his teachers at Daycare and they are happy to see him too.

~~~

Although, by the end of the day, when I pick him (& Miss M of course) he's pretty much done. He'll play for a bit, but the closer it gets to six, the crankier he gets. Bed by 7,7:30 & he's down for the count.

A solid 12 hours & he's good to go!

~~~

I love to tickle his feet to get a smile.

Bench press him to the sky to get a shriek of glee.

And snuggle him tight to get a delighted squeal.

He's a curious, easy going, generally happy kid. We're so lucky to have him around.

Hi, Yes & Yes readers!

Welcome- lots has changed since I wrote the interview for Yes & Yes.

Our first foster placement (boys, 6&8, referred to here as Big Bro & Little Bro) went home in June & we got a 2nd placement a few weeks later!- a little girl, 5, & her baby brother, 18 months.

The little girl is Miss M & the baby, Baby A.

We're not allowed to post identifying information, hence the code names & back of the head pictures.

Fostering continues to be challenging, but such an adventure! I hope you'll check out some of my past posts and leave a comment! Thanks for stopping by!

Kid free weekend

Hallelujah! We got a break this weekend from Miss M & Baby A! An honest-to-God break.

Their former foster parents (who I've taken to calling their 'foster grandparents') wanted to borrow them for an overnight visit, for BOTH Friday & Saturday. Amazing!

They picked them up from daycare Friday afternoon & brought them back Sunday afternoon.

Greg & I got two whole days to sleep and wake up on OUR schedule, eat when WE were hungry, shop at Target in an extremely leisurely pace, putter, do some chores, go see a movie, etc. It was divine.

But darned if by Sunday morning we didn't miss those munchkins.

We were so glad to see them, even though we had to put them to bed early (baby A fell asleep during dinner, in his high chair) & this morning was rough for Miss M.

We're glad to get back in the swing of things, rested up & ready to rumble.